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Pain, pain go away…

So here i am, with a baby in hand, at home trying to get used to being a mum. Ur Aunty Ash and family also arrive for the long weekend to help me recuperate and that’s when really, things start to happen…

A few days into looking after you, i begin to have really bad backaches… we put it down to the double whammy epidural shots but really… i have such a bad back that i cant sit, stand or eat… i have really bad shivers that come with fever and really, granny and aunty ash piles blankets and cardigans on me to keep me warm… it’s really not the cold but the rattling of the bones all at ones is just too much to take… wen ur dad finally sees what i go thru, he calls Dr Siva who advises cold compresses… so with the high dosage of pain killers and cold compressions, i survive the next few days in a daze, with the pain creeping in everytime the pain killers wear off… even my water retention kinda doubled in size, instead of disappearing. Sofea, being in this sort of pain is terrible… there were sooo many times i felt like a useless mum cos i couldnt take care of you, nor breastfeed you properly as the pain was just too much to bear… anyway, i didnt say a word to anyone of these thoughts running thru… 

Wen we went back to meet the peads just over the long Chinese New Year break, u were in top condition…  mum met Dr Helmi again and he couldnt pinpoint anything about wat i had. He did mention getting admitted again and seriously, i really hate hospitals. So i passed on that option, though ur dad wanted me in.. yeah right, spend another few nights in hospital alone… when u were born, i did ask ur dad to room with me… he obviously thot that hvg the bed to himself at home was a much better option! So Dr Helmi gave me some tablets as well as something to help with the Elephant-sized feet i had…

The next few days, my water retention or edema still didnt  no changes, and worst still, i developed really high fever! One thing after another! When Granny told my neighbour about my fever, even they got worried and came over cos really, it’s not good to give birth and then have high fever as well! So our wonderful neighbour, the husband started cooking for mum everyday “Ikan Haruan” as this has for many generations seen as something that can heal surgical wounds. It was superb! But really, the fever continued. One night, Granny spoke to your dad and they both decided to take me to the hospital… by then, i was resigned to anything cos i was just numbed and tired about everything…

We went to hospital nearest and to the Accidents and Emergencies ward… after some tests (blood and urine), the doctors realised that not only did have  urinary tract infections but also, anemic… hemoglobin at a lowly 7! The doc recommended that i be warded and get a blood transfusion!

So yes, i was warded again, this time under Dr Ashar (very good doc!). They started by putting in more tubes and stuffing medicine via these tubes… after much discussions, mum also had a blood transfusion! They could only find one pint of my type of blood since it’s i have a rare blood type! Thank goodness sofea, as soon as you were born, i asked about your blood type and it’s… the normal sort… phew!

Staying at the hospital again within a span of a few days of being discharged from one, was again painful. With my bad back, trying to sleep was long forgotten and even worse, with tubes into my hands. During the transfusion was the worse cos i couldnt move very much. But right after, i felt really good and most of the pains had gone! Just like that! And i was thankful… and started bugging the doc to let me go home… i missed you and your strange sound hahahahah…

The doc let me go home after two days. Granny came over to help me pack and get me discharged… we took a cab home, armed with loads of meds to be taken. Your dad had already gone back to work overseas by then. As soon as i got home, well, naturally i went looking for you and you were asleep, as usual.

Within days, my edema reduced, my back didnt hurt as much, and i started to drive around – take Granny to the market, run errands, get things settled, buy your baby things etc… really, if anyone tells me that they were treated like princesses during their pregnancy and confinement, well, as with my brand of luck, well, i never had the opportunity to enjoy such moments. Everything i did was on my own.

Those two weeks really, were horrible. A different kind of hell on earth, and it has made me really scared, terrified at going through pregnancy all over again. During the nine months, i had many scares and really, being pregnant alone is no fun thing. Going through the process of having you and recovery period also gave me scares… But seeing you as you are today, it was well worth the pain.

The other day Granny mentioned about having a second baby… seriously Sofea, i had shivers go down my spine. I guess the trauma of those days are still with me. It will take quite a while for me to get over it and get ready for to having another brother or sister for you. Only time will tell…

Love

Mum

She’s hungry… again?!

Yes … those were my thoughts when i first became a mum and had to take care of you.

Here i was, just out of surgery and lying in bed with no thoughts when the nurse brings you in and tells me to breast feed. Let’s just say, i went “huh? now? so fast?” So there i was with Granny and Papa also with me… trying to look nonchalant and putting you to my breast, like i’ve been doing this for years.

Yes, those first few attempts were quite strange, stressful and also funny. Here’s why…

Strange: Really, i’ve not one to simply show off body parts to people and here there were all this expectant faces in the room waiting for me to whip out my breast to feed you. And really, i’ve read, seen, heard about breastfeeding but i’ve never breast fed!

Stressful: In books and everywhere i see, it looks so easy. But trying to position you was really, quite stressful. I had your papa and your Granny both trying to be helpful by helping me position you… but it was stressfull… And then i realised every time you took my milk, u’d be up in a few minutes crying for more. And i kept buzzing the nurses cos i had soo little or no milk! It was just a day or two after the operation. So yes, it was stressful cos i had to get the nurses to nurse you. And thats how i found out that they were supplementing breast milk with formula… an “aha moment for me!”…

Funny: In retrospect, it was all quite funny. Especially the times when you were trying to latch on and feed. You had an expression of utter seriousness and focus, i couldnt help laughing… i guess all babies have it… but hey, i’ve only had you and you’re my baby… and you were a class act! You didnt need teaching… u just latched on like you’ve been taking mummy’s milk for ages, and not in my tumms for the last nine months!

Seriously, there were moments of utter helplessness but i persevered. By day two, i got myself out of bed with all the tubes in me taken out. I started feeding you not in bed but at the chair but really, i had the most horrible backache. Now that’s a story for a different day.

While in hospital, Papa’s friends also came to visit and they were witness to me trying (read:struggling) to breastfeed you. Aunty Shida and Uncle Lolo, Lai Cheng my friend from work and also Auntie Honey all came to visit you at the hospital.

One  night, i think it was my second night, i had the shivers, for no reason. My bones were all rattling and i couldnt stop them… and i had to call the nurse. Seriously, the nurses in that hospital were not the most friendliest lot. But this one came and  fed me some hot chocolate and eventually, it went away. It came on again a few times but not as bad as the first round.

With that episode, the anathesiologist came back to check on me the next morning and he was also baffled at what had happened to me. Oh well, it must have been one of those things… and that’s what i thought at that time.

By the time Dr Siva came in on the third day, i was dying to leave for home and he let me… and to be a good girl. Heehehee he knew since he saw me walking around by the 2nd day.

And so on the third day… we gladly left the hospital and left for home. I had you in my arms throughout the journey… cos ur dad by some strange notion, refused to buy a carseat cos it would make u sit curved and harm your backbone! Dunt ask me… go ask your dad!!! And trust me… he’ll say he never said that!

Love

Mummy

And so the world heralds the coming of my little baby into the world…

It all started nine months ago, where by some strange divine intervention, Mummy became pregnant, much to hers and Papa’s surprise. I found out right after a very tiring journey up north to Ipoh to finalise arrangements for aunty honey’s wedding and a quick trip up to St Anne’s church in Bukit Mertajam. After driving door-to-door in a matter of just three hours, dogtired, that same evening, my brains started wondering why i was feeling rather plumpy around the tummy. After checks, lo and behold, mummy realised the beginnings of you in my tummy tum tum…

The nine month wait ended just as mummy’s doctor, Dr Siva wanted to see mummy for a final check to determine how i was going to bring you into the world. However, Mr God had different plans for you. That same night as Papa had just flown in from Bangkok, within the hour, i had strange pains and had what many call, “a bloody show”.

Straight away, Papa and Granny rushed me to the hospital (dsara specialist) where i was already having contractions, 3- minutes apart! So the nurses there did a quick check and put me straight into the labour room. They gave me a jab (i hate needles!) where the entire contents of wat i had eaten came out in a rush… then another jab with a rather long needle (which i held on to Papa for my dear life) to numb everything waist down so i wouldnt feel the pain (they did this twice).. and another one and another one… seriously, i was jabbed to kingdom come.

Upon arrival at the hospital, i was 2-3cm dilated. Papa and Granny went home around 2am cos there was nothing else to do. When the nice midwife came and checked on mummy at 5am, i was already 7 cm dilated, and by 7am, i was 9cm dilated. Boy, it seems like you were in a rush to come out! I had to call Papa to rush with Granny to ensure they reach the hospital in time for the delivery!

When Dr Siva arrived, after checking me and told me to try to bring you into the world naturally… which means, a lot of huffing and puffing and pushing… sadly, mummy tried my level best, but your head came out a little and went right back in! After half and hour, Dr Siva decided, this is not happening so, he had to cut my tummy open to bring you out.

Oh yes, there’s this thing that happened when we told the nurses to contact Dr Siva that mummy had checked in the night before… We told the nurse, “tell Dr Siva it’s mummy (they used my name), “the girl with the books” (i always had a book in hand during check-ups and Dr Siva called me that)… instead dunno what the nurse told the Dr, cos he heard it as “the girl with the boops!”… and he was thinking who is this girl la…”  Only when he saw me, he realised it was me… now that was a good joke among all the serious things happening around me…  ask your papa for more funny things that happened around your birth… he will be more than happy to share with you ;-)

Oooooh did i tell you that your Papa started calling you Sofea as soon as you were born?!

So once again, i was pushed out into the Operating Theatre and after that it was a blur. Seriously, i was frightened and i could feel the pressure on my lower abdomen and the doctors did their magic to bring you out. After a while, and this is according to your dad, i asked the nice anesthesiologist Dr Helmi to just load me on GA to knock me out and that’s what he did … also your papa said that i was thinking too much cos i seemed to be muttering all kinds of things…

The next thing i knew, i was still on the operating table, and Dr Siva was patching me up along with the help of others around him. The first thing i asked was to see you and when i saw you, words were just impossible… cos you were beyond what i had imagined… so cute, so beautiful and bawling your lungs out! There we had you… born on January 18, 2012 at 8.48am, weighing 2.69kn and 48.5cm long!

Then i remember asking Dr Siva if i could have some champagne and then passed out again! Seriously Sofea, i was dying for some champagne just before i gave birth to you. But alas… everyone said no to that!

Also, according to your dad, i also asked Dr Siva when i could start on having another baby. I think that kinda shocked Dr Siva cos after that, Dr Helmi put me out again! The next thing i knew, i was being rolled out of the operating theatre and feeling really tired.

Once i was back in my room, the nurses brought you in, and you slept in my arms for quite a long time (as this is according to your papa and granny!)… oh well, we needed our rest after that stressful experience!

Papa was quite astounded that you were soooo fair… I’ll leave that to your Papa to explain this to you hahahaahaha…

Papa and Granny were quite tired after the long day and they left me to look after you hahhahahaha… now that was quite a joke…

That i’ll leave for another post, another day…

Love,

Mummy.

Yes, finally my favourite time is near… and this year, it seems to be going really well… maybe cos i’m calmer and more organised… hhhmmmm

Well, i didnt plan it to be that way … with the baby coming and all, i’ve been pretty busy getting ready for baby.. little by little every day and finally, it’s all ready.

I’ve taken to washing all the baby clothings and stuff and drying them out and folding them neatly and putting them into the new cupboards… went baby shopping with one of my frens over the weekend and bought more “essentials”…i actually laughed out loud the other nite at how tiny these clothes were yet not cheap at all… oh well, my dreams are coming true… and all hell will break lose once the babe arrives… :-)   hhhmmmmm wonder if there’s any relaxation techniques for new mums harrassed by helpless babes…

Now what i think i’m going thru are the braxton hicks contractions… false contractions that don’t hurt very much… but hey, my tummy gets sooooooo hard, i think my baby is going to literally pop out or my skin would just burst and baby will come flying out… now wouldnt that be kewl?!!!

As for christmas presents, between getting ready for baby and pressie buying, yes i’m broke as usual. But strangely, since i started kinda early this year, i managed to get some real good stuff at good deals… it even spooked me out at how fast i made decisions and bought stuff. And since it’s not even mid december yet, i’m done!

And now… the baking starts… at first i was reluctant (read: lazy) to bake but with the tree and decorations up, pressies being wrapped, how could i not bake?! So i started and realised, damn, not enuf ingredients! So along with my sister and niece, we went in search for baking ingredients at one of d famous cake ingredient suppliers located at one of the most dodgiest locations in town!

We searched, we found, we conquered! ok honestly, since we went there after a day of shopping, we didnt have enuf cash, so looks like i need to make another trip there this weekend heeheehee…

And so i started on my first fruit cake for the season… test try cake… and it turned out pretty decent! And since  i’ve done most of the major shopping for pressies and babies, i decided to ask frens if they wanted any and thot, why not sell them as well?! Just among close buddies and so far, the orders have not been bad at all… just about manageable with my huge tummy and hippo feet (due to swelling) and waddle strut  ;-)  

Seriously, there’s no nicer time than christmas… so i’ve been having “little conversations” with the little being in my tummy… mind coming out around christmas?? hahahaha imagine all the nice parties and pressies we can have… oh well, we’ll see what happens…

Now next on the list is christmas day lunch …. ordered a roasted turkey since i’m too wobbly to experiment on one myself, and mini chicken pies…. told my mum she doesn’t have to buy pressies, just cook for us – salads only mostly! Oh well, this con is still going on… so i’ll only know if i’ve succeeded nearer towards christmas… sigh…  

As christmas draws nearer (and i’m growing bigger)…  i just hope that everything goes well… and anyone in the “down” mood will move on to the “up” mood soon:-)

Happy Anniversary! I’ve made it through the last 12 months of marriage… by the skin of my teeth!

I find myself married to someone very loving and caring and i couldn’t have asked for someone better… but the distance has been really hard for me… and him, i think. But i’ve persevered thus far… tho there have been hiccups along the way.

More often than not, i’ve just kept quiet to keep the peace and see where things were heading to… and now i know…

What have i learnt in the last 12 months or so…

1. To not rush into a fight but rather wait and bide my time… i have been doing that to keep the peace so far… but… i believe this has to change… The empire strikes back!

2. To voice out dissatisfaction sooner, not later… tho i’m still learning how… i’m not much of a conversationalist these days … i’ve gone back to hermit mode… with my beloved books (since i can’t afford bags at the moment)… sigh, the loves of my life… bags and books… and my baby…

3. I have a very old fashioned husband… and very keen on being mr nice guy and listens/pleases everyone… sigh…

4. Marriage has its moe-ments… if i could, i would turn back the clock and do things differently and tell everyone, to take a hike… i really would…

5. I am a “single wife” and in the near future, i’ll be a single mum… so whatever happens, i’m on my own… no changing that any which way i look…

6. When it comes to money, well, lets just say, ho hum ho hum… i’ll manage… slowly but surely… i’ll give my kid the best that i can afford… more importantly where education is concerned…

7. When it comes to in-laws and others … well, they’re nice but seriously,  i have to stand my ground, especially where culture and religion come into play. i’ve kept quiet, and looked the other way. I think i’ve played second fiddle for just about long enough. I really wish if everyone took to time to understand and respect the beliefs of individuals around them… we’ll be living in a much better world…. hhhhmmmmm i have to write about this…

8. To focus on the future – with a child coming along, i need to think happy thoughts and not dwell on the small things … anyone can say anything, but i believe i’ll do what’s best for the kid… with or without consent from all those who think they know everything there is to know about raising a child. The claws will be coming out soon…

9. To keep on nurturing, ”pouring water and put enough fertiliser” my marriage. This is only the first year… there’s bound to be more drama to come …

10. Different people, different strokes. Take in whats good, avoid the losers.

So there… some of the very few things i’ve learnt and highlighted… some others are just best left between me and Mr God…

In these, i’ve learnt that i’ve to be much firmer and really, state my ground. The “let’s be rational” portion ain’t gonna be working in anymore. I’ve been “rational” and really, i feel that i’ve been taken for granted. Maybe it’s hormonal, maybe it’s not. It’s just how i feel.

And here’s to another year… may the force be with me… woohoo!!!

I’ve just come back from a funeral of a friend … held in tight, no tears (except for maybe one drop when his son was giving the eulogy)… but it was quite sad.

William was someone i’d gotten to know ever since i moved to the city, like close to 15 years ago. I’d usually go to church on my own and he was one for the first few people to extend his hand and introduce himself, and tried his level best to make me join the church BEC (to which till today sadly, i still havent joined).

Over the years, i’d gotten use to his smiley face at church, always ready with a smile and a helping hand. He’d drop my place every month, sending me the monthly newsletter and we’ll catch up, over the main gate.

He’d go round calling me “girlfriend” or “sister”… depending on whatever mood he was in. Even his two teenage sons got into the act, especially the younger of the two who never seemed to give up making fun of me, whenver he could.

During bible class last year, for some strange reason i ended up in his group. Coffee and food was always provided for, thanks to him. So that helped me stay a wake and fill me up cos i was always rushing from work!!! Thank goodness!

Last two years, he started attending morning prayers and mass… to which one day i asked, “What’s with the change?” … and he answered, “praying for something special” … good for him… from here, morning breakfast with him, Philo and Father became the norm, especially on public holidays. For me, the lone ranger, it was always a good time to get up to date on church goss heeheehee..

And whenever i needed help or go thru blur moments, i’d just send him an sms and he’ll always help.  The last i spoke to him was at morning mass about 2 weeks ago when we were all joking around after mass as usual, and because he was not entirely correctly dressed as the reader and giving all sorts of excuses, i just called him “loyar buruk” and we were all laughing. He’d always ask me how i was doing at his preggers stage, and i always said, “one day at a time la…”. Oh well… such is life!

So when i found out on Wednesday afternoon (All Saints Day 2011) that he had collapsed and died, it came as a shock. I actually asked, “Is it our william?!”… sadly, yes. Everyone was in state of shock. And i can imagine what his immediate family was going through.

Though i could not attend the wake in my present state, i made sure i went to the funeral this morning. And it was a really good one. He was loved by many, and the attendance at the funeral really showed how the community would miss this dear soul. The choir was in full force, the community was present, there were 4 priests (!) and majority of the altar boys were all there in their show of support in the last leg of his journey. Even Father chocked twice in his homily.

Yes, i was all there, being clear eyed up to the point when his younger son did the eulogy, and yes, even my eyes filled with tears (but it was quickly wiped away!).

And all the while i was thinking, i wonder how are they going to keep up after his death as he was the sole breadwinner. He did everything, and that was essentially, William’s style. Being the MAN in the family, and even the fact that he’d had 4 blockages in his arteries (70-80%) as we found out today, he never mentioned this to a single soul. It came out from the post mortem report. Hence, he was a ticking time bomb.

So really, today i wish him all the best as he journeys towards the gates of Heaven, and pray that he would win over and be great friends St Peter there and all the saints with his jovial and sincere nature.

“Eternal rest grant unto Him, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon him. May he rest in peace. Amen.”  

If there’s one thing i’ve realised time and time again… when u laugh u laugh with many… when u cry, u cry alone…

Whenever we’re in a group of friends and talking about things and stuff, we’re very happy people… talking and just  being ourselves and letting go. Sometimes, yes, i have to admit, i do voice certain things that i often, most times in retrospect, do regret saying. Cause i know, who knows, what i may be saying about someone, someone else might just be saying the same about me.

And often enough, as i’ve written in this blog before, sometimes i wonder the fact that my closest friends are few and far between bares testimony of how careful i am, and after years of soul searching, have just stuck to this handful. Over the years, they have been there for me in some form or another.

Nevertheless, there is still a part of me that remains locked away from everyone, except the Almighty. Going through moments of alone-ness since i was a child, has taught me, in my own way, to stand up for what i believe is right, and even when it goes all wrong at times. But i learn, in my own screwed up way. And when it does, i just let it all out through shedding tears and every time this happens, i come out, stronger than ever, with even more resolve to keep on moving. I would not care about what people may say or do… if i want, i just do it. Sometimes when the hurt is soooo bad,  i just like to shut myself away and deal with it in my own way. And hence, my nickname, The Hermit.

In times of aloneness, i turn to the Almighty for guidance, and by surrendering myself, He has not let me down. Sometimes it takes longer, but hey, with God, it’s never Instant.

Now that i’m preggers and married, i am still very much alone. I’d thought that for once, there would be someone for me to share so many things. But i’ve learnt, marriage hasnt changed anything. Yes i have a husband whom i see once a month, yes i’m going to have a beautiful child. But whats inside me still remains inside of me. There are so many things i wish i could say and do, but i hold it back, for fear, of it coming out all wrong. And the odd times i do say something… i dont even feel happy voicing it out. So i keep my silence. Sometimes i do wonder to myself, for how long more… then i ask Him for strength and peace. I never want to repeat the mistakes of the past.

I’ve finally done what that nagging feeling has kept asking me to do… read the bible again. And i’ve started. Sometimes reading aloud like as though i’m reading to my baby in me tum-tums, and sometimes, i just continue reading late into the night. And since it’s the Jerusalem Bible this time, i’m learning about things all over again,  seeing things differently. The good thing is… i’m actually talking to my baby like as though she’s there in front of me listening to me,  and telling her what i think about what certain prophets have done.

And this has given me some sort of relief. Mind you, i’ve just started, but it has been good.

Nowadays, no matter how tough i know my day would be, i start the day with God in church, and end it not only with prayers, but also reading the Bible, and learning all about God, all over again. By doing so…

It keeps me going.

It keeps me sane.

It heals my sadness and pain.

It gives me peace.

It stops the tears.

It gives me strength to carry on.

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