If there’s one thing i’ve realised time and time again… when u laugh u laugh with many… when u cry, u cry alone…
Whenever we’re in a group of friends and talking about things and stuff, we’re very happy people… talking and just being ourselves and letting go. Sometimes, yes, i have to admit, i do voice certain things that i often, most times in retrospect, do regret saying. Cause i know, who knows, what i may be saying about someone, someone else might just be saying the same about me.
And often enough, as i’ve written in this blog before, sometimes i wonder the fact that my closest friends are few and far between bares testimony of how careful i am, and after years of soul searching, have just stuck to this handful. Over the years, they have been there for me in some form or another.
Nevertheless, there is still a part of me that remains locked away from everyone, except the Almighty. Going through moments of alone-ness since i was a child, has taught me, in my own way, to stand up for what i believe is right, and even when it goes all wrong at times. But i learn, in my own screwed up way. And when it does, i just let it all out through shedding tears and every time this happens, i come out, stronger than ever, with even more resolve to keep on moving. I would not care about what people may say or do… if i want, i just do it. Sometimes when the hurt is soooo bad, i just like to shut myself away and deal with it in my own way. And hence, my nickname, The Hermit.
In times of aloneness, i turn to the Almighty for guidance, and by surrendering myself, He has not let me down. Sometimes it takes longer, but hey, with God, it’s never Instant.
Now that i’m preggers and married, i am still very much alone. I’d thought that for once, there would be someone for me to share so many things. But i’ve learnt, marriage hasnt changed anything. Yes i have a husband whom i see once a month, yes i’m going to have a beautiful child. But whats inside me still remains inside of me. There are so many things i wish i could say and do, but i hold it back, for fear, of it coming out all wrong. And the odd times i do say something… i dont even feel happy voicing it out. So i keep my silence. Sometimes i do wonder to myself, for how long more… then i ask Him for strength and peace. I never want to repeat the mistakes of the past.
I’ve finally done what that nagging feeling has kept asking me to do… read the bible again. And i’ve started. Sometimes reading aloud like as though i’m reading to my baby in me tum-tums, and sometimes, i just continue reading late into the night. And since it’s the Jerusalem Bible this time, i’m learning about things all over again, seeing things differently. The good thing is… i’m actually talking to my baby like as though she’s there in front of me listening to me, and telling her what i think about what certain prophets have done.
And this has given me some sort of relief. Mind you, i’ve just started, but it has been good.
Nowadays, no matter how tough i know my day would be, i start the day with God in church, and end it not only with prayers, but also reading the Bible, and learning all about God, all over again. By doing so…
It keeps me going.
It keeps me sane.
It heals my sadness and pain.
It gives me peace.
It stops the tears.
It gives me strength to carry on.
